This is dedicated to my dear friend Krystin who found out all this stuff this year and has formally become Zom Mom. Great job and I’m happy to give her the heads up on this stuff.
I was fortunate to stay home during my pregnancy, not because I wanted to endure the daily vomiting and multiple symptoms of a child growing in your body, it just happened that way. My spouse at the time was working full time and he had to use my car for all things, so I was more stuck in the home, but happy regardless.
I say fortunate because I was able to read a lot of books and really immerse myself in what I needed to do in order to prepare for a baby (mind you we had a roommate at the time so there was much to prepare and much to change). As I grew from my small frame into one 75 pounds heavier, I had no choice but to sit down, try to relax, learn, and read all the books I had never really read, and the books that were given to me during this interesting, life changing,and challenging time.
I read them all, researched all, and thought I must have it down…..any current parent is probably laughing now at what seemed like “massive new baby intelligence,” when compared to actually doing the job of well, parenting. It is no easy task, and when I say not easy, I mean the most difficult, most unappreciated, slave-like work that will take a massive toll on your body, brain, lifestyle, and pretty much everything else in the world kind of job. Any other Single mom (or Dad) knows exactly what I mean, and how many times a day you would rather pull your hair out and scream!
Don’t get me wrong I absolutely LOVE my daughter. But when your children are three and below there is NO understanding. For example, if it will kill them immediately that’s what they ALWAYS want first to touch, take, or ingest first. It does NOT work any other way. So after you spend the whole first year trying to protect them, cuddle them, nurse them, they will make your efforts feel completely wasted the entire second year as you juggle how many thousands of times you just saved their life from another “toddler suicide attempt.” It still blows my mind, when I try comparing human babies to other animals. Many days it just seems as if our beautiful, new humans actually planned to wake up and do the “unthinkable.” So once you’ve gotten past their second birthday and you are both still alive, you know you have accomplished a lot and should pat yourself on the back, or better yet make someone massage it, I know you need one!
Here’s what they don’t tell ya~ New Parent Home Tips
1. Without a doubt you will have poop on you most days until they are three years old. Get used to it, buy a face mask, have tons of hand soap everywhere and refills, buy lots of scented candles, and freshners, and DO NOT GO WITHOUT THE DIAPER GENIE, that is a kind WARNING!!!!!!
2. They tell you to child proof your home, installed everything properly,
done, everything’s fine, right?
No. Plenty more to do. You need to be aware that anything including what’s atop your dressers, TV stands, cabinets, end tables, buffets, dinning room tables, EVERYTHING that once resided on or in it has to be physically raised to a high, than higher location as they go from 12 months to the 18th. I cannot stress how beneficial SHELVES would be to as you add all the new stuff to the future nursery. Don’t forget to add shelves to every other room because whatever you have at waist level now, will have to be moved, hidden, re-arranged or from home.
3. Zombie Moms
This will happen somewhere between 9 months to 18 months. Something about parenting or being all loving and home with your kids sounds so nice in a book, but the reality is that you are home doing hard, unpaid labor all the while on 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep. I know you may not think your body can physically last for weeks on end, that turn to months on end of 4 hour nights, but I assure you, you will still be alive, and at the mercy of your “ready to play” all day little one.
I still don’t know how I literally have survived and actually typing sentences (hopefully complete ones) with the pathetic amount of sleep I’m on right now. It will astound you, but I can assure you will be very envious of any human that sleeps through the night, and you will want to be them at some point and not the Zombie Mom you just saw in the mirror. Forget about your eyebrows, you have passed into the “DON’T LOOK in the MIRROR” at all phase, and continue yearning for quiet, dark rooms with hours of endless, undisturbed sleep.
You won’t have any so forget about explaining further, there’s no time ever left at all for yourself so get over now if you can. If you have family in the area, enlist them now, get a firm commitment that they are onboard because you will want and need them at least once a week just to take a nice, long shower and maybe look into the mirror to see what new look you have for yourself.
5. Buy scrubbing bubbles for your master bath, unless you have time (which I mentioned above you won’t have) forget about mixing all natural products and just dabbing a little lemon juice or baking soda. Do yourself a favor and get a few high octane cleaners so you can enjoy your bathroom, and not worry about a thing for one small second of your day. Let that product clean (I’m not amazed by many things but this product shocked me) your bathroom for you and get into a nice, hot bath and soak.
Till next time. Happy Friday!